Mission Implausible
by Project 0506
Summary: ABANDONED! The most sought after mission in all of Konoha can be yours...if you manage to knock Sasuke unconscious. WARNING: crackfic!
1. Chapter 1

Standard disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any of the Naruto characters. They are created by Masashi Kishimoto and this author had not part in the creation and ownership of characters used in this story. I am not using this for profit in any way, shape or form...I think that covers everything.

Tomorrow is one heck of a physics exam

Studied 'til I'm totally sick

had a good dose of sugar to help me cram

And the high gave birth to this crack fic!

WOOHOO CRACK FIC!

ahem On with the show.

Mission Implausible

Sasuke didn't bother to hide his disgust as the great Hokage's vomit projectile missed his right foot by an inch.

"Disgusting."

Tsunade leaned drunkenly on his shoulder, swaying to a beat that was neither steady...nor helpful. _I bet that genjutsu is hiding rolls of fat...there's no way she should be this heavy..._ She pitched to the side, nearly causing him to topple over.

_I should have known the instant Shizune-san told me about this 'important, secret one-man mission'. There are a lot better things to do on a Friday night...I'm going to miss dinner with myself. Eating is going to cut into my angsting time. I'll have to reschedule for eight...no, that's my 'How Will I Kill Itachi' time...after that I'll need to work on my '1982200486 ways to kill a dobe' book. AIIIIEEEEEEE WE GO TO PRINT IN TWO DAYS AND I'M ONLY AT METHOD 571! I just CAN'T cancel that again! Plus I'll need my 20 minutes to cuddle with my Kyubi plushie and poke pins in the Kakashi-plushie. Ugh, why can't she walk herself home! It's six o' clock...why is she this drunk already?_

The hokage settled to the floor and started to giggle to the NaruPuff Girls theme song. (A/n...that crack fic is reserved for my biology exam buzz...)

"Sakura, the annoying bossy leader. Hinata, makes all laugh at her. Anko, creepy sadistic fighter. NaruPuff save the day..."

"Come on, get up. We're almost there and I'm not going to carry you. You'll puke on my shirt." The older woman ignored him.

"Fiiiiiighting criiime and all Sasuke's fangirls. Here they come ruuuun and hiiiiiide...the NaaaaruuuuuuPuff girls...NARUPUFF!"

_This is the leader of our village? Aw damn...I'm going to miss dinner..._

Tsunade responded with a giggle and immediately puked on Sasuke's pristine shirt. "DAMN! I JUST HAD THAT DRY CLEANED!"

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Finally he managed to get Tsunade home and partially sober. She drank directly from the coffee pot, downing the whole thing in one gulp, no sugar or cream added. Dully she handed it back to the sulking teenager.

"More... and make it stronger this time."

"Hokage-_sama_, you're out of coffee."

"Check the cupboard. There's a secret stash up there."

"I used it in that last pot."

Tsunade glanced up, shocked. "All of it! That's the strong stuff!"

The Uchiha folded his arms sullenly. "I believe your exact words were: Damn Annoy'n BOY! Dump the WHOLE FING THING IN THE DAM POT! BRING ME THE DAMN COFFEE!"

"...oh..."

"Is there anything else Hokage-sama?"

The blond glared up at him. "Am I cutting into your 'hug and mumble nice things to the Gaara plushie' time?"

"No..."

blink

"That's at ten..."

"Freak...can't you have a little compassion? You act like it's never happened to you."

"...I've never been drunk."

"I meant passed out moron!"

"...no..."_ Except for that time with Zabuza...but she doesn't know that...Oh, and that time with Orochimaru..._

A creepy evil smile passed across her face. "You mean you've NEVER been out cold? Bet you'll drop unconscious by the end of next week."

"Hokage-sama?"

She got up and tottered over to her desk. "Where' I put... Ah...here." She held up a doll.

"A COLLECTERS EDITION SEMI-HENTAI BUT COMPLETELY LEGAL POSABLE ANKO DOLL COMPLETE WITH TWO CHANGES OF FISHNET AND OPTIONAL DANGO! That doesn't come out for WEEKS! They only made three!" Tsunade smirked.

Sasuke folded his arms and glared at the floor. "Not like I'm interested or anything..I mean, it's not like I'm on the Shinobi Toy Company mailing list or anything..."

"The detail was done by Jiraiya himself so you know that the ahem body detail is completely flawless...and it's yours...IF you manage to keep from falling unconscious for seven days. At seven thirty two next week Friday you must not have passed out from shock, trauma...or anything else...deal?"

"Deal!"

Tsunade watched the boy hurry home to catch his 'scream obscenities at the neighbor's cat time'. She smirked. The genius of the Sharigan has no idea what he is getting into...


	2. Chapter 2

"Why exactly are we here?"

Tsunade looked at the four assembled ninja squads.

"I made a bet..." Everyone groaned. "...and you are going to help me win it!" There were rampant facefalls. "Don't be like that! Now, I made a bet with Sasuke that he cannot go one week without falling unconscious."

Everyone turned to look at the scowling Uchiha.

"Anyway, your job is to do whatever it takes to knock him out. And as a bonus..." She waved around a scroll. "What I have here is the Hidden Waterfall Village mission. It will be a grueling challenge, only the best can handle it." She saw she had the attention of a few persons in her audience, specifically Neji, Tenten and Shino. "The pay will be three times the normal wages..." More faces perked up (Kakashi, Kurenai, Asuma). "And, it will take about two weeks of travelling to reach...two weeks i might add, which will be spent with our first volunteer Sasuke!" There were screams as two kunoichi bounced up and down in exictement. "There's an all you can eat ramen bar and buffet..." Naruto and Chouji's faces lit up. "And, if that's not enough, the mission will take you only five minutes away from where the legendary fountain of youth and the pool of love are located." At 'love' Hinata blushed, knowing exactly she who would use a love potion on. At 'youth' Gai and Lee shot to their feet.

"Hokage-sama, we accept your challenge to knock the youth Sasuke unconscious!"

Lee followed his teacher. "Yosh! We will learn the secrets of the fountain of youth"

"Once again youthfulness may blossom in the sun, watered by the everlasting spring of this fountain!" Suddenly it was as if each noticed the other for the first time.

"Gai-sensei?"

"Lee?"

Lee's eyes lit up. "GAI-SENSEI!"

"LEE!"

"GAI-SENSEIIIIIII"

"LEEEEEEE!"

They embraced amid an orange sunset flaming over the painted waves that crashed on the rocks.

"How do they do that thing with the waves?" Ino shook her head.

"I don't know Sakura, I don't know."

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Sasuke moaned and rolled out of bed. _Four o' clock...why the hell do we need to train at four o' clock in the morning?_ The Gaara plushie fell to the floor. Immediately the boy snatched it. "Are you alright Gaara-kun? Don't worry, Aniki won't let anybody hurt you...no he won't." He sighed, wanting to have a few more minutes alone with the plushie. But duty called.

He could see the bridge in the distance...and could see...KAKASHI! He approached the man.

"You're late."

Sasuke frowned. And checked his watch. And frowned again. It said 4:00:17 a.m.

"You're...early?"

Kakashi nodded and grinned, though only the happy eyes was visible.

"Yep! Slept here all night to make sure too!" Sasuke could feel his mouth hanging open. "Hey, you wouldn't happen to have the sequel to this would ya?" He held up the book he was reading. "Good book..."

Sasuke could feel darkness swirling around him as the word 'Jane Eyre' jumped out at him.

_No! Must stay awake!_ He managed to force himself to stay conscious and glare at his grinning sensei. "Not funny...and it didn't work. I'm still conscious."

"Ah, the week is young..."

"GET BACK HERE YOU!" Both looked up as a squirrel shot past, green fabric stuck firmly in its mouth. Chasing him was Gai...an oddly clad Gai...

Quite frankly, Sasuke would prefer to see Gai's green spandex every day for the rest of his life. Hell, he'd WEAR the damn thing if it would get rid of the sight.

"KAKASHI MY ETERNAL RIVAL!" Gai noticed the scarecrow. "You are up early!"

Sasuke tried desperately not to stare at the sensei's green ranger briefs. He looked everywhere possible...keenly aware that the taijutsu user wore nothing but the lime-green briefs. _Hair...so much hair...do not throw up...I thought his eyebrows were bad...oh Kami-sama those underwear..._

"Well my rival, I would enjoy challenging you to a battle of wits to break our longstanding tie of 86-86, but it is beginning to get a bit chilly. Ah the youthful breeze!"

The squirrel held Gai's jumpsuit over the side of the railing, threatening to drop it into the river. It sirked an evil smile. Gai gave his good-guy pose. "I must retrieve my pants! I will not lose to this, nature's embodiment of youth, or I will run 500 laps around the village backwards!"

He turned, and Sasuke was blasted with the full rear view. He barely squelched a whimper. Gai had a lime-green wedgie._ Stay awake, stay awake, stay awake._ The world went black.

"Kakashi-sensei...I think I'm blind..."

"Don't worry. It'll pass..."

Twenty minutes later the pair regained their eyesight.

"Kakashi-sensei, I thought they'd clallenge me to a fight. Is everyone planning to do something like that to knock me unconscious?"

Kakahsi looked up from his book. "Hmm? Oh that? Gai does that every morning."

Sasuke clenched his fists. _Stay awake, stay awake, stay awake, stay awake, stay awake, stay awake_


End file.
